Rethink Respect: Step #2
(originally posted on LinkedIn)
Last week I delved into “seeing” in my first article of this series, discussing why it’s so critical we really see people and respect them for who they are. After we see, the information we collect travels through our internal processor, all the years of coding that determine what we think and decide. That’s where we get to the next part: Rethink Respect.
Respect is a multi-sided prism, the light and rainbows varying depending on how and where we’re holding it. Is it the values we ourselves have that we most respect? The values that we lack? What about what our parents taught us or how they behaved? Did their errors mold what we admire? The deeper I dig into respect, the more I question what makes me respect someone. Why do I respect a hard worker over someone “who talks a good talk”? A maintenance person over a smooth-talking salesperson?
What’s clear is that while you and I may share some values, each of us has our own world view, experiences, and opinions. What we respect derives from that recipe. Unfortunately that means it’s built on the same shaky territory as unconscious biases and assumptions. We take what we see and send it through an interpretative filter. Then we decide whether or not we respect the person, almost immediately.
Let me give an example. I was learning about unconscious biases years ago, and it resonated strongly with my experience of being a 5-foot-tall woman in tech and the typically common assumptions (more junior? less technical? less experience?) about me. But what unconscious biases did I have? Paying more attention to my thought processes, I saw an early obvious one: I looked down on people who smoke. Where did this come from? I grew up with a chronic smoker, and I automatically linked smoking with a lack of confidence and discipline. I certainly worried about the health implications as well, but in a way that was from a place of stature as if I was a better person. Once I recognized this, I discussed it with a co-worker and that helped me reset my thought processes.
As a rule, everyone gets respect.
Back to respect: If we wait to give it after assessing someone, we are likely to be introducing assumptions into our decisions. Which leads me to:
STEP 2: Rethink Respect
To shortcut my internal processor and assumptions, I now try to give respect to someone right from the start. I try to see them, listen to them, and show them individual consideration regardless of…essentially everything. As a rule, everyone gets respect. To be clear, there are two definitions of respect, and I’m talking about #2: regard and consideration for a person.
The dictionary definition of respect:
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. "the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor
due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. "young people's lack of respect for their parents"
For the first one, sure, you gotta impress me. But the second? Everyone should get it.
Can you give respect to someone from the start? Right from the outset? Can everyone you meet start at the same level of respect? The waiter, the CEO, the teacher? The high-pitched voice and the baritone? Regardless of race, religion, etc.?
Probably not. Because it’s really hard.
And because we’ve been taught that people should earn our respect. That respect has to be earned, and that some people are more worthy of respect than others because of their title, position, age, and so on. I think that’s the practical result of conflating the two definitions of respect. If we mix them together, you’ll result in this unicorn of a person who both earned and already deserved respect. In reality, everybody should have consideration given for their feelings. Specific people can also earn my high regard, but that’s separate.
Can you lose my respect? Yes, although I really should still treat you with a base level of consideration. But that doesn’t mean I need to stick around and subject myself to you.That’s disrespecting myself! I will as quickly as possible with as much decorum as I can muster, get myself out of your presence so I don’t feel disrespected and neither do you. Does this work 100% of the time? No. Is it a goal? Yes.
Takeaways:
Try to give respect (i.e. the consideration of definition #2) outright versus waiting for it be earned.
Constantly question your assumptions, attempting to strip yourselves of learned or unconscious reasons to restrict respect.
Respect yourself and your time enough to walk away if you can’t give someone that basic level of respect.
Up next: Demonstrate respect
Previous: Seeing Respect
