Should I take that feedback?

I’m sure that you’ve heard the phrase, “Feedback is a gift.” Sure, but some gifts aren’t great! What if the feedback doesn’t make sense? What if it’s filled with outdated biases? What if it’s not useful?

I’ve been privileged at Google to receive formal feedback from my manager and peers at least once per year, but there have also been tidbits shared with me informally both positive and constructive --- the “you should have shared more in that meeting” or “you were too harsh there” variety.

Takeaway: It takes energy and effort to understand and take (or not take) feedback. 

Early on for instance, I assumed I should take the feedback especially when someone more senior gave it. I was in my early twenties when a senior colleague pulled me aside to give me feedback on a presentation deck that I was preparing. He had an MBA which I did not, something he emphasized multiple times as both the excuse and culprit for why my homegrown deck was bad. He emphasized that one of my slides had to be MECE, Mutually Exclusive and Collectively Exhaustive, to be any good. The conversation was collectively exhausting!  

Later on I was talking to my manager, a senior female, about the experience and how I didn’t agree. She said, “Oh, ignore him.” What? Another senior female colleague said the same thing. What???

So there is feedback that we can skip? How do we know the difference?

How To Process Feedback

After years of giving and receiving feedback, here’s my “how to” when we receive feedback. 

Enjoy positive feedback: When we discuss feedback, we often leap to what we perceive as development feedback. We want to know the bad, dark side -- and in many ways, we’ll believe that feedback more --- especially if we’re experiencing our own insecurities or imposter syndrome. 

First things first: 

• Read or listen to the positive feedback word for word

• Savor it. Remember times you did what’s described. How did you feel then? How do you feel now? 

• Simply thank the giver. Do not prevaricate or defer credit. As Shonda Rhimes says in her book, “The Year of Saying Yes”, simply smile and say thank you.

• Save it! Whether keep a journal, collect post-its or simply save positive emails, consider tucking away these gems for when you need a pick-me-up or confidence builder later.

Enjoy constructive feedback: Yes, I also want us to enjoy when we’re given advice to help us grow. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and sometimes we’re naturally defensive, but if we can seek to listen and understand then it’s an opportunity. I’d rather receive feedback than never learn!

• Listen to the feedback -- the same starting place. Quiet your mind and listen to what’s being shared.

• Ask questions -- ask for examples to help add more detail, so you can fully grasp the feedback. 

  • For instance if told you’re “too quiet”, ask which meetings or situations they’ve noticed this behavior in.

• Process the feedback: If you’re feeling defensive, try to quell that. Most people certainly don’t mean to harm us with feedback, but our brains can interpret it as an attack. Again thank them for their feedback and that you’ll let them know if you have questions. 

  • My advice here is even if you deeply disagree with the feedback, do not immediately attack back. Process the emotions first and then come back with calm, calculated logic later.

• Take some time: Give yourself a few days, particularly if you feel angry or sad, to process without feeling the need to follow up or take action.

• Form a game plan: Most of us feel more empowered when we have a plan for what we’ll do next. After you process the feedback, come up with 1 - 3 things you can try to address the feedback. You can leverage manager support or peer advice to do so.

  • Here is also where you can discuss with your manager how to approach feedback you disagreed with, you can also leverage other peers or mentors for advice.

It’s ok to scrutinize feedback: Listen, not all feedback is good feedback, just like not all gifts are good gifts. Some pro tips to sorting out your feedback: 

• Consider the source - Is the feedback from someone you know well or someone who’s only seen you once or twice? If you’re interacting with a senior person occasionally, it may come across differently than if its multiple junior peers you speak with frequently. Either way it can influence how you interpret the feedback.

• Check with peers: If feedback has come from left field, gut check it with others. Close peers can help you decide whether this is one-off feedback not worth fretting about, or whether it’s something to consider how to address. For example perhaps you are more defensive in rooms with senior peers for example, and that’s worth thinking through.

• Know the common biases: It’s common for women or other minoritized populations to receive certain feedback more frequently (e.g. you were aggressive vs. assertive). This doesn’t mean the feedback can be dismissed, but it can serve as a translator. Was I really aggressive or did it just come across that way? And if so, how would I address that perception? (Yes, society should catch up, but in the meanwhile this is a great way to develop tools to navigate your careers!)

What can you take from it? A quick exercise!

Even feedback you disagree with may have some important nuggets. Let’s workshop this quickly with my MECE example. You can use the below to walk through your own example as well.

1) What was the feedback?

My example: My slide deck wasn’t at the level he expected. I should make my slide MECE.

2) What was your reaction?

Ugh, he’s annoying and so all about his MBA. Everything he said didn’t make sense for this deck and was just unnecessary slide tweaking to be more like consultants. I didn’t like being talked down to, but maybe he’s right, maybe I’m too junior and this deck isn't any good.

3) Have you heard this feedback before?

Nope, first time. And I work with plenty of other MBA grads.

4) Who can you check with to discuss the feedback and see if there’s more to see?

The two senior peers who also know and work with him. They can help me understand what he’s saying potentially.

5) After getting more perspective, what are 1 - 3 things you can take away from this feedback?  

• I don’t always have to take feedback from senior peers, but it was good I double-checked with others as a gutcheck. 

• I can’t be so sensitive about people with more education with me. If it doesn’t make sense, I should ask for more information and feel empowered to revert with a proposal.

• I really didn’t know what MECE is! And even though it’s not going to work on this slide, I can leverage it and it’s good to know for the future.

Now try going through and putting your own answers. Can you arrive at some takeaways?

What do you think? What do you think I missed? Feedback welcome.